This week's weather

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GodAlmighty
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This week's weather

Post by GodAlmighty » Sat Apr 16, 2016 10:49 am

Hello, I'm God Almighty and I'm new to this board.

However, being omniscient, omnipresent and all powerful, I know exactly what you all post. I also know what you all think, before you post (take note Andy Park).

I've been less than impressed over the years by the levels of aggressive and vituperative non-belief in my existence, particularly by the likes of Quakerz, DarloOnTheUp and Lawman3. I have tried to find a vessel through which I can spread my message, but, sadly, only DarloBaz had sufficient space in his head to receive my wisdom.

Consequently, Darlington FC, through their heathen supporters, have become a symbol of all that is wrong in the modern secular age. I took it upon myself to make the lives of their supporters as miserable as possible. I inflicted upon them a number of selfish, feckless owners whom I hoped would bring about their demise. One even built a cavernous arena which haemorrhaged money. Alas, this didn't do enough to end the club.

I then used my inflence within the FA to demote them, and forced them to change their name, and they had to move out of town. When that wasn't enough, I sought to use the weather to inflict further misery upon them. Heritage Park experienced few postponements before Darlington moved in, but torrential rain is one of my simplest, yet most powerful, weapons.

Throughout this, however, the fans displayed a remarkable resilience and fortitude. I tried my best to destroy the club, and urinate on the hopes and dreams of the supporters. But they kept going, stayed united and persevered through dark times.

I now have to admit defeat. You have won. The realisation came when, faced with yet more fundraising targets, you managed to raise £100k in a ridiculously short space of time. You bastards have earned my grudging respect.

So, in the spirit of reconciliation, I have decided that you can have your return to Darlington, and you can have your promotion push.

I will refrain from further torrential rain for the next 7 days. However, I'm planning for some big rain in the midlands next Saturday, so you better get your promotion wrapped up by then.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you alone for a bit. I've got some pressing business to attend to in Newcastle.

God bless.

Vodka_Vic
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Re: This week's weather

Post by Vodka_Vic » Sat Apr 16, 2016 11:14 am

Dear God, if you give Matlock 3 points today I promise I will watch Songs of Praise tomorrow and sing along to all the hyms.

My opinion
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Re: This week's weather

Post by My opinion » Sat Apr 16, 2016 11:15 am

Brilliant....Loved it

piggy
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Re: This week's weather

Post by piggy » Sat Apr 16, 2016 11:16 am

Best thing Ive read on here in a long time!
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

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Darlobaz79
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Re: This week's weather

Post by Darlobaz79 » Sat Apr 16, 2016 12:31 pm

GodAlmighty wrote:Hello, I'm God Almighty and I'm new to this board.

However, being omniscient, omnipresent and all powerful, I know exactly what you all post. I also know what you all think, before you post (take note Andy Park).

I've been less than impressed over the years by the levels of aggressive and vituperative non-belief in my existence, particularly by the likes of Quakerz, DarloOnTheUp and Lawman3. I have tried to find a vessel through which I can spread my message, but, sadly, only DarloBaz had sufficient space in his head to receive my wisdom.

Consequently, Darlington FC, through their heathen supporters, have become a symbol of all that is wrong in the modern secular age. I took it upon myself to make the lives of their supporters as miserable as possible. I inflicted upon them a number of selfish, feckless owners whom I hoped would bring about their demise. One even built a cavernous arena which haemorrhaged money. Alas, this didn't do enough to end the club.

I then used my inflence within the FA to demote them, and forced them to change their name, and they had to move out of town. When that wasn't enough, I sought to use the weather to inflict further misery upon them. Heritage Park experienced few postponements before Darlington moved in, but torrential rain is one of my simplest, yet most powerful, weapons.

Throughout this, however, the fans displayed a remarkable resilience and fortitude. I tried my best to destroy the club, and urinate on the hopes and dreams of the supporters. But they kept going, stayed united and persevered through dark times.

I now have to admit defeat. You have won. The realisation came when, faced with yet more fundraising targets, you managed to raise £100k in a ridiculously short space of time. You bastards have earned my grudging respect.

So, in the spirit of reconciliation, I have decided that you can have your return to Darlington, and you can have your promotion push.

I will refrain from further torrential rain for the next 7 days. However, I'm planning for some big rain in the midlands next Saturday, so you better get your promotion wrapped up by then.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you alone for a bit. I've got some pressing business to attend to in Newcastle.

God bless.
Dear God
I thought that you would know the word for all powerful is omnipotent and as you are perfect I am surprised that you spelled influence incorrectly also. Looking forward to worshipping you in Church tomorrow. Peace and blessings...Rev Baz

al_quaker
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Re: This week's weather

Post by al_quaker » Sat Apr 16, 2016 12:34 pm

:lol:

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GodAlmighty
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Re: This week's weather

Post by GodAlmighty » Sat Apr 16, 2016 1:27 pm

Darlobaz79 wrote:
GodAlmighty wrote:Hello, I'm God Almighty and I'm new to this board.

However, being omniscient, omnipresent and all powerful, I know exactly what you all post. I also know what you all think, before you post (take note Andy Park).

I've been less than impressed over the years by the levels of aggressive and vituperative non-belief in my existence, particularly by the likes of Quakerz, DarloOnTheUp and Lawman3. I have tried to find a vessel through which I can spread my message, but, sadly, only DarloBaz had sufficient space in his head to receive my wisdom.

Consequently, Darlington FC, through their heathen supporters, have become a symbol of all that is wrong in the modern secular age. I took it upon myself to make the lives of their supporters as miserable as possible. I inflicted upon them a number of selfish, feckless owners whom I hoped would bring about their demise. One even built a cavernous arena which haemorrhaged money. Alas, this didn't do enough to end the club.

I then used my inflence within the FA to demote them, and forced them to change their name, and they had to move out of town. When that wasn't enough, I sought to use the weather to inflict further misery upon them. Heritage Park experienced few postponements before Darlington moved in, but torrential rain is one of my simplest, yet most powerful, weapons.

Throughout this, however, the fans displayed a remarkable resilience and fortitude. I tried my best to destroy the club, and urinate on the hopes and dreams of the supporters. But they kept going, stayed united and persevered through dark times.

I now have to admit defeat. You have won. The realisation came when, faced with yet more fundraising targets, you managed to raise £100k in a ridiculously short space of time. You bastards have earned my grudging respect.

So, in the spirit of reconciliation, I have decided that you can have your return to Darlington, and you can have your promotion push.

I will refrain from further torrential rain for the next 7 days. However, I'm planning for some big rain in the midlands next Saturday, so you better get your promotion wrapped up by then.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you alone for a bit. I've got some pressing business to attend to in Newcastle.

God bless.
Dear God
I thought that you would know the word for all powerful is omnipotent and as you are perfect I am surprised that you spelled influence incorrectly also. Looking forward to worshipping you in Church tomorrow. Peace and blessings...Rev Baz
The devil is in the detail Baz, as well you know.

Considering English isn't my first language, I'm still pleased with my glorious self for spelling haemorrhaged correctly.

I do know that omnipotent means all powerful. But this is a Darlo messageboard, and sometimes you have to spoon feed people.

God bless.

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GodAlmighty
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Re: This week's weather

Post by GodAlmighty » Sat Apr 16, 2016 1:30 pm

Vodka_Vic wrote:Dear God, if you give Matlock 3 points today I promise I will watch Songs of Praise tomorrow and sing along to all the hyms.
Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I know that this is an empty promise. I know you will be watching Real Housewives of Atlanta on ITVBe instead. And, anyway, I've heard your singing....

God bless.

Vodka_Vic
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Re: This week's weather

Post by Vodka_Vic » Sat Apr 16, 2016 1:39 pm

GodAlmighty wrote:
Vodka_Vic wrote:Dear God, if you give Matlock 3 points today I promise I will watch Songs of Praise tomorrow and sing along to all the hyms.
Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I know that this is an empty promise. I know you will be watching Real Housewives of Atlanta on ITVBe instead. And, anyway, I've heard your singing....

God bless.
Oh bollocks. Blyth to get their usual penalty today then.

m62exile
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Re: This week's weather

Post by m62exile » Sat Apr 16, 2016 1:40 pm

GodAlmighty wrote:Hello, I'm God Almighty and I'm new to this board.

However, being omniscient, omnipresent and all powerful, I know exactly what you all post. I also know what you all think, before you post (take note Andy Park).

I've been less than impressed over the years by the levels of aggressive and vituperative non-belief in my existence, particularly by the likes of Quakerz, DarloOnTheUp and Lawman3. I have tried to find a vessel through which I can spread my message, but, sadly, only DarloBaz had sufficient space in his head to receive my wisdom.

Consequently, Darlington FC, through their heathen supporters, have become a symbol of all that is wrong in the modern secular age. I took it upon myself to make the lives of their supporters as miserable as possible. I inflicted upon them a number of selfish, feckless owners whom I hoped would bring about their demise. One even built a cavernous arena which haemorrhaged money. Alas, this didn't do enough to end the club.

I then used my inflence within the FA to demote them, and forced them to change their name, and they had to move out of town. When that wasn't enough, I sought to use the weather to inflict further misery upon them. Heritage Park experienced few postponements before Darlington moved in, but torrential rain is one of my simplest, yet most powerful, weapons.

Throughout this, however, the fans displayed a remarkable resilience and fortitude. I tried my best to destroy the club, and urinate on the hopes and dreams of the supporters. But they kept going, stayed united and persevered through dark times.

I now have to admit defeat. You have won. The realisation came when, faced with yet more fundraising targets, you managed to raise £100k in a ridiculously short space of time. You bastards have earned my grudging respect.

So, in the spirit of reconciliation, I have decided that you can have your return to Darlington, and you can have your promotion push.

I will refrain from further torrential rain for the next 7 days. However, I'm planning for some big rain in the midlands next Saturday, so you better get your promotion wrapped up by then.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you alone for a bit. I've got some pressing business to attend to in Newcastle.

God bless.
Dear God, I'm crying with laughter here.

Although I guess you probably already knew that.

Class.

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GodAlmighty
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Re: This week's weather

Post by GodAlmighty » Sat Apr 16, 2016 2:00 pm

m62exile wrote:
GodAlmighty wrote:Hello, I'm God Almighty and I'm new to this board.

However, being omniscient, omnipresent and all powerful, I know exactly what you all post. I also know what you all think, before you post (take note Andy Park).

I've been less than impressed over the years by the levels of aggressive and vituperative non-belief in my existence, particularly by the likes of Quakerz, DarloOnTheUp and Lawman3. I have tried to find a vessel through which I can spread my message, but, sadly, only DarloBaz had sufficient space in his head to receive my wisdom.

Consequently, Darlington FC, through their heathen supporters, have become a symbol of all that is wrong in the modern secular age. I took it upon myself to make the lives of their supporters as miserable as possible. I inflicted upon them a number of selfish, feckless owners whom I hoped would bring about their demise. One even built a cavernous arena which haemorrhaged money. Alas, this didn't do enough to end the club.

I then used my inflence within the FA to demote them, and forced them to change their name, and they had to move out of town. When that wasn't enough, I sought to use the weather to inflict further misery upon them. Heritage Park experienced few postponements before Darlington moved in, but torrential rain is one of my simplest, yet most powerful, weapons.

Throughout this, however, the fans displayed a remarkable resilience and fortitude. I tried my best to destroy the club, and urinate on the hopes and dreams of the supporters. But they kept going, stayed united and persevered through dark times.

I now have to admit defeat. You have won. The realisation came when, faced with yet more fundraising targets, you managed to raise £100k in a ridiculously short space of time. You bastards have earned my grudging respect.

So, in the spirit of reconciliation, I have decided that you can have your return to Darlington, and you can have your promotion push.

I will refrain from further torrential rain for the next 7 days. However, I'm planning for some big rain in the midlands next Saturday, so you better get your promotion wrapped up by then.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you alone for a bit. I've got some pressing business to attend to in Newcastle.

God bless.
Dear God, I'm crying with laughter here.

Although I guess you probably already knew that.

Class.
Yes, of course. I also saw what you did last night with the raw bacon, and sink plunger. That sort of thing really won't get you into heaven.

God bless.

DarloDean
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Re: This week's weather

Post by DarloDean » Sat Apr 16, 2016 2:03 pm

That made me laugh on a day which has me depressed.

Clap Clap.

ron-harbertson-hero
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Re: This week's weather

Post by ron-harbertson-hero » Sat Apr 16, 2016 3:31 pm

A brilliant post. Much appreciated on a day when expectations were high...and then dashed. I had considered travelling up for the game from the midlands, specially as the wife is a way on a girly weekend. But you sent me a message. Don't go you said, loud and clear. You remembered that I made the trip to Stamford in December and ended up walking round the shops with the previously mentioned lady. You also knew that I had travelled to the rearranged game at Stamford, only to miss all the goals due to the last train needing to be caught. I bet that you even remembered that I missed getting off the train at Nuneaton, how embarrassing.
I had thought that third time might have been lucky for me, but divine intervention made me see the error of my ways. I will NEVER ever even consider attending a game between Darlo and Stamford again. Hopefully you can ensure promotion for Darlo and remove any temptation in the future.
Thanks be to ...
Amen

jonn
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Re: This week's weather

Post by jonn » Sat Apr 16, 2016 3:54 pm

Brilliant post, God, made my day. Well, everyone's day, I suppose. Ever, come to think of it. How are you fixed for lightning bolts on the Northumberland coast next week? Just wondered, if you've nothing better to do, whether you fancied flinging one or two around on Tuesday evening. Or Saturday afternoon. Or both, even?

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DarloOnTheUp
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Re: This week's weather

Post by DarloOnTheUp » Wed Apr 20, 2016 10:47 am

:lol:

I'm such a good atheist that I totally missed this thread.

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GodAlmighty
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Re: This week's weather

Post by GodAlmighty » Wed Apr 20, 2016 10:54 am

DarloOnTheUp wrote::lol:

I'm such a good atheist that I totally missed this thread.
I forgive you, my child. But I'm still not letting you into heaven.

God Bless.

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grytters
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Location: Sheffield

Re: This week's weather

Post by grytters » Wed Apr 20, 2016 11:34 am

GodAlmighty wrote:Hello, I'm God Almighty and I'm new to this board.

However, being omniscient, omnipresent and all powerful, I know exactly what you all post. I also know what you all think, before you post (take note Andy Park).

I've been less than impressed over the years by the levels of aggressive and vituperative non-belief in my existence, particularly by the likes of Quakerz, DarloOnTheUp and Lawman3. I have tried to find a vessel through which I can spread my message, but, sadly, only DarloBaz had sufficient space in his head to receive my wisdom.

Consequently, Darlington FC, through their heathen supporters, have become a symbol of all that is wrong in the modern secular age. I took it upon myself to make the lives of their supporters as miserable as possible. I inflicted upon them a number of selfish, feckless owners whom I hoped would bring about their demise. One even built a cavernous arena which haemorrhaged money. Alas, this didn't do enough to end the club.

I then used my inflence within the FA to demote them, and forced them to change their name, and they had to move out of town. When that wasn't enough, I sought to use the weather to inflict further misery upon them. Heritage Park experienced few postponements before Darlington moved in, but torrential rain is one of my simplest, yet most powerful, weapons.

Throughout this, however, the fans displayed a remarkable resilience and fortitude. I tried my best to destroy the club, and urinate on the hopes and dreams of the supporters. But they kept going, stayed united and persevered through dark times.

I now have to admit defeat. You have won. The realisation came when, faced with yet more fundraising targets, you managed to raise £100k in a ridiculously short space of time. You bastards have earned my grudging respect.

So, in the spirit of reconciliation, I have decided that you can have your return to Darlington, and you can have your promotion push.

I will refrain from further torrential rain for the next 7 days. However, I'm planning for some big rain in the midlands next Saturday, so you better get your promotion wrapped up by then.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you alone for a bit. I've got some pressing business to attend to in Newcastle.

God bless.

"Omnipotent" was the word you were looking for there.

(Not quite as omniscient as you thought then)
Bring Back the Quarters

Cabron
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Re: This week's weather

Post by Cabron » Wed Apr 20, 2016 11:56 am

If spinayarn could respond to this thread then I really would believe in you.

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