o/t has anyone got any funny but true stories

[quakerray]

ive got to get about 50 good ones for something im working on.

just wondered if anyones come across any good ones with links to them.

not too rude though

thanks

[Hawkeye]

Here's a good one.

[DL5]

ive got to get about 50 good ones for something im working on.

just wondered if anyones come across any good ones with links to them.

not too rude though

thanks

When I first started seeing my other half she took me for afternoon tea at her gran's house. There was tea and cakes, small talk and pleasantries. The old dear had a little bird table in her back garden and she told me how she liked to feed the birds and was a keen gardener.

As we were admiring the bird table and garden through the window a little great tit landed on the table to which the old dear said "Ooh look there's a tit". A few seconds later another one landed, delightedly she shouted "Ooh there's another, look everyone A pair of Tits"

I didn't know where to put myself, me and the missus were dying inside but somehow managed to keep a straight face, the old dear never did cotton on about what she'd said

[ShrewsX]

Haven't got the link, but when the Queen did her Jubilee tour, she visited Darlington. While she did her walkabout of the town, the royal train was shunted to North Road Station, so as not to block the main line while she was out and about.

Security for the whole tour was very tight, and there were many armed police patrolling in and around the train. Special Branch were involved and everything. The station was closed to the public.

Unfortunately, no-one had told the bloke who had just stolen a significant amount of goods from the B&Q store over the road. Thinking he had committed the perfect crime, he took his bag of contraband, and jumped over the fence onto the railway sidings, where the armed police were waiting for him. They accosted him, at full gunpoint, and naturally searched his bag, and there was the tools he stole.

Had he been just 10minutes late with his crime, the train would have been gone, and the security folk with it....

Shrews

[ShrewsX]

Not exactly a story... BUT

Go to google.com

Type in "Why is there a" in the search box, but before you click on search...

take a look at the "suggestions" that appear in the drop-down box

Shrews!

[Quakerz]

I once stood bollock naked in my mates bedroom and pissed on his brand new trainers in front of him and his lass.

[RUMPLESTILTSKIN]

I once stood bollock naked in my mates bedroom and pissed on his brand new trainers in front of him and his lass.

Says it all really, doesn't it?

[Quakerz]

Does it? What does it say to you Rumpy boy?

[quakerray]

most of the stories that are good,funny and true,will be getting printed for a book so if anyone finds any on webpages please leave a link.
cheers

[Darlo_Pete]

I've got a couple of stories that are true.

This business man had two young boys and he had the habit when he drove in his car, of making sounds like cars were racing and revving up, he always used to do it to keep the kids amused and quiet. He was on the board of directors at an engineering company and they secured a life saving contract from Japan. The people from Japan came over to sign the contract and our businessman was sent in the car to pick them up from the airport. He forgot about not making his car sounds in the car and his behaviour so alarmed the Japanese by the time they got to the factory, they wouldn't sign the contract. As a result the factory that employed 300 workers went bust and they all lost their jobs.

The second story happened at York railway station. The train drivers and conductors always used to go into the public cafe to pinch some milk. This person got so fed up of them doing this, as they never paid for the milk that they pinched, she decided to do something about it. She carefully removed the silver top of the milk bottle & poured out the contents. She then replaced the milk with milk of magnesia, which is a very strong laxative and put the bottle top on so it looked like it hadn't been opened. Sure enough a train driver came in and she gave them the milk of magnesia bottle. Later that day a load of trains in the York area had to be cancelled, as loads of drivers and conductors had got the runs from an unknown source.

Well they made me laugh.

[BishopQuaker]

I once stood bollock naked in my mates bedroom and pissed on his brand new trainers in front of him and his lass.

Sorry Q I have to ask.

What were you doing naked in someone elses house?!

[Hawkeye]

In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo! I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter career. He said, "You jammy b******" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

[BishopQuaker]

Part of me is surprised you typed that all out, and part of it me isn't!

[bigbitchtits]

In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo! I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter career. He said, "You jammy b*****" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

Genius

[ShrewsX]

One I heard a few years ago.

For a long while, their was a bus driver in Shrewsbury who used to always work late shifts, and do the last run of the night, often around the Shropshire villages and back to town. The single decker bus was often full on the way out of town, and there'd be a few passengers going home from local pubs, but the last bit was was usually empty, and so he was regularly getting back to the depot ahead of schedule. His new manager criticised this as it was poor timekeeping, if every night he was ahead of schedule by about 20mins.

So he came up with an ingenious solution. Rather than staying at each stop till the allotted time, he did his regular run, then when he got back to town, he'd pull over at a country pub, hide the single-decker behind a high hedge, have a pint, then arrive back at the depot on schedule. He did this for months, and became a regular at this pub.

However a new fleet of buses arrived, and one night he was driving one of them. He was well ahead of schedule, and as he approached the pub he looked at his watch and looked over his shoulder. He couldn't see anyone on the bus so he called in and had his usual pint of beer. Half way through his pint, a regular came in and said to the bloke...

"You do know that you've still got passengers on tonight don't you".

The driver laughed it off, and finished his pint. Seeing that he was back on schedule, he returned to the bus, but on leaving the pub, he got the shock of his life.

He could see the car park, and could see the hedge, but for the first time in his life, he could see the bus behind it. The new fleet of busses that the company had acquired, were double deckers, and on the top deck (obviously enjoying the novelty) were half a dozen passengers that he thought had got off at previous stops!